Hell? Mine is that I'm finding it tough to get a job now that I'm out of school. But, hey its something I can do something about.
There are two kinds of problems, the kind that you can do something about or the kind that you can do nothing about.
In some cases the problems can't be classified as one or the other. Like my no job situation, if I don't have one within a year, I can still find one. But that it might be a scar on my resume, I can't do much.
Or if my dog died. I couldn't do anything to get it back. But I could move on (maybe in a long time).
I know a rational answer is probably a cruel one to give to someone at a time of grief. But it has alway given me a little bit of peace, hope it does help someone.
Belle
· 3 years ago
My private hell is I have what most people consider an incredible job that lets me meet alot of people and go to prestigious events....but it doesn't pay me enough to even buy a decent house. I work harder than most people I know and when I'm not working, I'm trying to be a good parent. Everyone assumes that I always have a full social calendar but I don't know if I've ever been more lonely.
TheKhalif
· 3 years ago
First, I congratulate you for your move out of MS. I know how hard it is. I left in 2002 after a "rather-stymying" career of 5 years - almost three as an orange or yellow badge.
I have been reading yur comments on evangelism on mini and I totally agree that you both need someone to "hype" your products and INNOVTATIVE products. This is something that MS seems to have forgotten about.
In the rush for "Redmond-Isolationism" they have moved beyond true SW development and towards a "large-business" model. This is inappropriate because it only takes to many people to develp SW.
Evangelism and customer-centricity sells more SW than sales people. These imply DEMONSTRATION and not lip-service.
This maybe off topic as I don't think my private hell(s) are suitable for general consumption, but at any rate, if you ever want a low paying job with great hours, send me an email.
/pd
· 3 years ago
We sometimes fail to understand theres much more to the world , then just our own lives..
Happy 4th you and yours, Robert ..and to all the readers here too :)-
Stephen
· 3 years ago
Great post Robert,
I just finished reading "Chasing Daylight" by Eugene O'Kelly and really found it moving and introspective. Funnily enough, I decided to write a post about it on Canada Day on my blog (http://pxltd.typepad.com).
It is both sad and wonderful to be able to be effected by those around us who so much make up our world. We often never know what sort of Private Hell those of us that we work with are going through as that is why often it is their Private Hell.
Today is an amazing Day for us at Project X as we are one year old, but I spent the weekend with friends who are going through their own issues and it never fails to put life in perspective.
Jeff O'Hara
· 3 years ago
My hell is that my wife was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis early this year and has multiple symptoms that come and go. She just started taking shots that make her feel like crap for 24 hours once a week. I'd give anything to come up with a cure and make her feel 100% all the time. That is my personal hell and it breaks my heart everytime she is not feeling good which is very frequent.
Now that is my personal hell which I can't make go away until someone comes up with a cure for this mystarious disease, which doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon.
John C. Welch
· 3 years ago
Okay, so were you feeling bad for the person, or feeling bad about having a TV when they had nothing, or feeling bad that you hadn't known and been unable to help?
Dude, I rag on you, but you've earned the life you have. You weren't handed it. You aren't like Paris Hilton, and the random recipient of rich genetic matter. You worked for it. Yes, it is really messed up about that one person, but that doesn't make you a bad person for your life. In fact, you may be in a better position now to perhaps help them in some way, *because* of your hard work. Doesn't have to be a check. Maybe you know someone who's hiring and he'd be a good fit, or his wife would be a good fit. We all know people, you more than most.
When I worked at MIT for the cops, I had a chance to get into central IS. It was a *big* raise, at a time when, thanks to 9/11 and a crooked boss, I'd had to take a 20K pay hit just to get food on the table. Plastic maxed to make ends meet, all of it. The only reason I had that job was because someone who knew me hooked me up. I had a friend in a similar situation, but for whom the salary at the MIT cops was in fact, a huge raise. So I talked to the chief and said, "Look, I've been showing him how stuff works here, and he's a smart guy. You can post the job and delay having someone in full time for months, or you can bend the rules, and a week after I'm gone, he'll be up to speed and rockin'."
The cheif thought a minute, and said "If he's not that good, i'm kicking your ass". My reply, "I hope you ain't pencilin' that in, because you're going to have to miss that appointment". Six years later, he's still there, and everyone's happy.
There's all kinds of things you can do that help out people you know in real, concrete ways. Not just the silly crap like writing checks to charity, but doing your best to make sure the people around you can keep their lives in order a little easier when they're having a tough time of it. You won't get a tax break, or public thank yous at work. But if we all did this, then a lot of charities would be out of a job, and that would actually be a good thing.
John C. Welch
· 3 years ago
er...five years later. Not enough coffee yet.
Kevin OKeefe
· 3 years ago
Rather than seek out private hells, we should count the blessings and opportunities we have.
You'd be amazed that some of the people you believe in a private hell feel blessed. The son with down's syndrome was blessed to have parents who can support him. The parents may even feel blessed that they had this child as opposed to others without their resources.
My little sister is developmentally disabled (deaf, cebral palsey, and mental impairment). At birth the doc's said she would need to be placed in what they described as a 'home.' My parents were not wealthy but they had sufficient resources to keep trying and a find a way to help her lead as normal a life as humanly possible. My guess is my folks feel blessed to have had the chance to help her, now age 42, grow to be able to work, drive her own car, and be on the verge of marriage (the last one being the most stressfull for them).
Sure there were struggles but with a lot of prayers, family and friends we made it through. I have read the same of other families who felt blessed that they had the resources and patience to raise a challenged child. I also feel blessed that because of helping her, I am more empathetic towards others struggles and keep my own in persepctive.
Small stuggles such as not being able to own a home while working and living in expensive metro's are trivial compared to others. Count your blessings as opposed to listing your hells.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
John: I was feeling bad about all three of those things. Thanks for the compliments, though.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Jeff, anything we can do for you?
Kevin, that is a great way to look at life. I've been unemployed too and remember every day counting my blessings too and keeping a good outlook. That paid off very well.
What's ironic is Maryam didn't even know this story until she read it on my blog. We're wondering now what we can do for this family.
Brett Nordquist
· 3 years ago
Robert, you post reminded of a time when I was sitting on the bus in downtown Seattle sulking to myself. I had a full day of meetings which meant I'd be taking work home or doing email till late into the night. As I was sitting there complaining to myself, two street musicians got on the bus. Both wore tattered clothing and neither had dad a bath in weeks if not longer. But I was jolted out of my complaining mood when I heard one say to another, "I hope we can earn enough money to get a Big Mac today".
Scott Perry
· 3 years ago
The problem is, unlike you, its unlikely that anyone will care. Talking about problems doesn't make them go away anyway.
When you've got your own private hells, you kinda have to learn to rely on yourself and your closest, if you have any.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Scott: I've found that not to be true at all. There are more people out there that care than you might think.
And why do I care? Cause it's very possible that one day I'll be homeless, or have a strange disease, or worse.
It's then that I hope someone will be there to hold my hand. Or, even, invite me to a party so I can escape my own little private hell for a few hours.
John C. Welch
· 3 years ago
When someone's in a tight spot, giving them two things helps out more than you'd really think:
1) A bit of respite from it all. Not a "get out of jail free card" necessarily, but just a few moments of not having to care. It doesn't have to be big either. Maybe just a day out where they can do what they want and not have to care about budget. When you're in a jam, a movie is a major budget consideration and popcorn is not always a given. A day where you can just have a day away from the problem means more than you'd believe.
2) A way to dig yourself out. In every tight spot i've been in, the frustrating part was when I knew of an opportunity that would have really helped, but for some reason, I couldn't take advantage of it, so I was left on the treadmill. A chance to get into a gig where you can fix the problem yourself does two things: first, it lets you fix the problem, second, it reminds you that you are able to handle life. Feeling helpless is the worst part of being in a bad spot.
offline
· 3 years ago
I had my private hell this year. On january, my mom called me and said that the docs just diagnosted a cerebral tumor. Just 5 month left. It was hell. But my mom told me that i do have to go my way (i'm just stuyding now) and that this is her only wish, so that she can die in peace. I promised her and I'm on my way. It was tough but hey, i promised her. I only visited my family 5 times (i'm 350 kms away) and i was hard. but i survived that part and i will go on. For me. For my mother. And because i survived hell. This give me the strength i need.
susan mernit
· 3 years ago
Great post,Robert. Thank good, I'm over the worst (unexpected/traumatic divorce), but I have a close friend I am trying to be there for who was diagnosed with Stage 4 throat cancer at the age of 48--out of the blue. This is someone I feel for every day--and I agree with you--we all have to do what we can, when we can--and feel priviledged to be able to share. Happy 4th.
Sarah
· 3 years ago
This was a great post.
I guess I can really say that even though there are things that aren't "going right" in my life, in no way are they hell. It's not only about appreciating this (I've always felt blessed for what and who I have), but I really should be giving more back to those who are down and out. More, and more often.
My personal "hells" seem silly in light of others.
Wish you all the best.
David Dalka
· 3 years ago
Jeff - Sorry to hear of your wife’s illness and struggle. I knew someone with MS and I know it’s not fun.
Kevin – Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Robert – Thank you for writing something that allowed me to share these meaningful experiences from other people’s lives.
Offline – Sorry to hear about your Mother
Susan – Sorry to hear about your divorce pain and your sick friend.
I used to live in NYC and while I did not lose anyone directly on September 11th, 2001, I do have friends that were at ground zero at the time it all took place. It’s difficult to put into words exactly, but none of them are the same people today that they once were. I think the events of that day have affected us all in many ways we never could have imagined.
My one struggle at the moment revolves around my attempts to career transition to a search engine (I have preferences privately) or related startups. I’ve networked with some of the most amazing people at conferences and Techcrunch parties I’ve attended and have been reading and learning non-stop! I have the energy I had when I worked at an exponential growth company called BlackRock and am restless waiting for it to be put to good use. However, getting people to understand my unique competencies has been a larger challenge than I first envisioned. Additionally, people are insanely busy these days. Sometimes getting in touch with people can take weeks. I would welcome networking in this regard - during which I would hope you would share things you might need help with as well.
Please have a happy and safe 4th of July!
Wendy
· 3 years ago
Our son with some pretty serious disabilities needs a lot of care and attention. And my husband works so many hours in his soul-sucking dead end job that it is mostly up to me to deal with his "stuff", along with taking care of the other two kiddoes. I wish that A)he could find a job that he was passionate about and would challenge his skillset and B)that my son could see his daddy more. Not really a hell so much, but it's getting close.
John C. Welch
· 3 years ago
While any "hells" I have shall stay private, (just the way I am), the one that does bother me is the degree issue. For a variety of reasons, some stupid (like partying my way out of college twenty years ago), some out of my control (like the guy on my team in the LAST CLASS I needed for my degree the second time around not giving the rest of us the source for the C i needed and destroying the source), and some that fall under "just one of those things", (not having the time to take away from my son as a single parent with no family nearby), I've yet to complete my bachelor's. I've a totally useless Associate's, but nothing more, and at this point, it would take at least two years to get a degree from a local college. Which i'm having to do anyway.
Why?
Because twenty years of experience in almost every environment doesn't make it through the HR screen. No degree, delete.
Microsoft, Apple, they're all the same. And as I push 40 hard, this becomes even more of an issue for obvious reasons.
How many people who could do a job really well, and have the knowlege and experience are turned away because they don't have a degree, or (certification). The industry bitches about paper MCSEs, or CNEs, but they don't get that they're creating them. When you tell HR to ignore resumes that don't have a proper tickmark on them, you tell people that experience doesn't count, only the tickmarks.
There've been times when I could have relocated easily that I didn't even bother to apply for a job, because I knew that I'd never make it past an HR filter.
How many companies have lost out on good people because they allowed HR, and not the actual group, to be the initial filter?
I'm not saying a degree has no value. That would be ridiculous. But it can't be a pass/fail situation. That turns it from something of value to a commodity.
and I'm SERIOUSLY considering saying "Screw it" and just writing a check to a degree mill. Because that's about how much it means to me anymore. Just a tickmark on the resume.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
John, I don't have a degree. I got through the HR gauntlet. It didn't even come up, actually. Although my family gives me shit about it.
Deanna McNeil
· 3 years ago
It is so important that we each pay attention to the people around us. How much better that we don't HAVE to ask what their private hell is because we were close enough to know already. I really appreciated this post because truly the message is this: Let's each be resolved to exert whatever influence we have in our circle of friends and associates. We are not islands, we need one another powerfully.
Thanks for that kind reminder Robert.
Mike Kuhl
· 3 years ago
John, Ditto Scoble. I burned out of college (Full time work + Full time Marriage + Full time college = BURNOUT) 15 years ago yet now I make more than most of my peers. The places that filter resumes mindlessly often (not always) operate mindlessly. The places that see past the paper to the person are often the prized places to work.
Mike Kuhl
· 3 years ago
Oh, and I'm 39. I want to finish my degree when the kiddos are out the door, but it hasn't been a serious impediment yet.
offline
· 3 years ago
Thanks a lot for that post. It was the first time outside the family and close friends that i talked about the loss of my loved mom. But Scoble just made me write that down and i do feel a lot better now. Thank you.
novitch
· 3 years ago
ok, let's play. I'm a french entrepreneur and i had to leave my apartment in st germain des pres - paris, today. It was sad and i felt sick for a couple of hours specially because it was the place i used to live with my 49's girl friend from SF ;) But now i have to fight again, get some new income, new ideas and build a new team in order to be back and in shape in september. So work hard again and i will party hard soon and also find a house, LOL i forgot about it.
thebizofknowledge
· 3 years ago
I thought this was a great post. It really got me to stop and count my blessings. I am very lucky to be able to say that I'm going through a good period now (knock on wood), but it hasn't always been this way. Everyone just has to persevere through the tough times to get to the good. Not as easy as it sounds, of course, but you get the idea.
Sterling (Chip) Camden
· 3 years ago
Thanks for the post, Robert. I have a very lucky life in general, but my youngest son is on the autism spectrum. I wouldn't trade him for anyone else, but I hurt for the challenges he faces (so bravely) in life. He is making great progress, and my hope for him is that by the time he's an adult he'll be able to cope and succeed on his own.
John Hightower
· 3 years ago
Your post and the comments it elicited allowed me to make a decision I feel good about. Instead of waiting for some "catastrophic event" to give money to help some families, I've decided to choose an organization I feel good about giving to and write a check to help them each month. And as my income grows, I can donate more.
Also, I'll find an organization I can contribute my time and skills to again; that's something I've gotten out of the habit of doing for a year, and it's time I offered something in addition to just my money.
Thanks for your post.
Ryan Walters
· 3 years ago
Chip -- by "Yet they’d trade it all to have a son they can talk with," I'm pretty sure Scoble means, "Yet they’d trade it all to be able to talk with their son."
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Ryan, yeah, that's what I meant. Sometimes I really screw up my grammar.
Security Buddha
· 3 years ago
Last year my mum passed away. wveryone wondered why I was able to cope with relative ease. I was of course deeply saddened but I was able to cope. Years before I discovered the book The Art of Happiness. Its a unique insight into western thoughts and relations to Buddism.
One thing it taught me was to seek what you need not what you want, be thankful for today and to accept inevitability in life. We will all die. Be prepared and be thank full for that what you have had. The good times. The precious moments. The parents with the down syndrom son must have had 21 amazing years with a precious human. You have no reason to feel sorry for them.
Many people in life give to charity not to help others but to eliminate their own pain of seeing others less fortunate than themselves ;-)
Matthew
· 3 years ago
I've been working in a mostly administrative position at a studio for 5 years (since grad school). I'm well-respected at all levels of management. All along, I was told repeatedly that my efforts would be rewarded with a promotion. Meanwhile, I've been living on the verge of bankruptcy. I don't think I'll ever get a house. Two months ago, my division restructured, and rather than offer me the promotion, they brought in someone new. This, after a glowing evaluation (the best I've ever gotten). I'd leave my job immediately if I wasn't living from one paycheck to the next.
For the past 2 years, I've devoted my nights and weekends to a project that I've failed to set up at the ideal company because they're afraid of hearing outside ideas. We haven't even gotten to the NDA, and it's been a year of back and forth. So I've given up on the project. Now I find myself in my mid-30's, starting from scratch.
Sometimes, Robert, life takes an interesting turn, and you look back and ask "how did I get here?" I, too, have friends who have been incredibly successful. But there's such a fine line between "making it" and not. And the sequence of events leading to one or the other are rarely driven by logic nor are even subject to rational explanation.
Natasha Goncharova
· 3 years ago
Matthew, and those who consider a low paying job or no job as hell, while you are looking for better options (and I hope you are actively looking), read the book "Winning through intimidation" http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0449207862/002.... It will give you a different perspective in life or at least a good laugh.
Looking for a job or a better job IS your full time job and if you “plan your work, and work your plan”, you will get what you want. (At the very least, hang out at more blogs and let people know you are looking.)
No job, low paying job, bad boss are, while hells, are hells addressable.
It is when someone who you love deeply gets incurably ill and/or dies, it is then I think real hell, and nothing can help. Realizing that nothing you can do to save your dear person and seeing her/him suffer is certainly close to hell. Only love you can give and hold your tears to let them go with peace. Then, later … living without that person … Time does not heal, time only treats, and there is a big difference between the two.
Give unconditional love while you can, every day let your loved ones, your parents know that you love them no matter what. If you do not have someone you love, consider a random act of good. There will be less hell in life.
Brett Nordquist
· 3 years ago
My first manager at Microsoft didn't have a degree, not even an Associates. I have a B.A. degree yet I don't remember a single person in HR or during the interview process at MS where I was asked about it. That was quite a while ago so maybe things have changed, but I'd be surprised to see MS turn someone down from an interview with excellent skills and passion just because they don't have a degree. Especially when they have so many open jobs. How does one apply for Scoble's job anyway? :-)
downButNotOut
· 3 years ago
Thanks for the post. I broke down since I felt you were talking to me directly. Yes, I am a geek, and private hell is it !! I thought I was strong, I had never written it down, until now...leave alone posting on a public forum.
I am currently going through separation, after nearly a decade and half of a marriage. I made a big career switch just last year after sweating it out in high stress jobs. And early this year, a series of unrelated medical woes and complications just avalanched into a current disability (that prevents me from being at the job) that is requiring a pretty major surgery and recovery may take more than 3-6 months.
I am an immigrant and do not have any immediate family living this side of the continent.
And just in the past three years, my little kid was suspected with tumors in the kidney and is in the clear now. Both my mom and dad survived some major health downturns and are at best coping now; my brother and wife are grieving from having lost their first born twin babies and my sister went thru a divorce(and since, happily remarried).
But still there are things to thank for...I have a wonderful child who makes me want to wake up and be there everyday. I still have a job and in my decade long career, for the first time I feel I work for a company that truly cares and has been very supportive of me.
And I am thankful for the mercy of a few good friends and a tight knit family that is supportive, a phone call away.
And most of all I thank my "nerdy tech" background. Reading books saves my soul. Technology provides me companionship to beat the emotional solitude. It makes me want to learn and build something new everyday, think about stuff, read blogs that matter - even from the confines of a sick bed.
I strangely feel better, despite feeling awkward about whining personal stuff on a public blog. Thank you for asking and thank you for listening. Happy July 4th.
stereoroid
· 3 years ago
Indeed, is all I can say. If I have a "personal hell", it was finishing school in South Africa (where I'd lived since age 6) and being told, by my indigent parents, to get a job. I stayed at home for a year and a half after that, paying them rent, before moving out. Finishing high school in SA gives you an education roughly equivalent to a US Junior College degree or UK A-Levels, but anything more advanced was denied me - who would pay for it?
I now live in Ireland, surrounded by Europeans who consider a university degree "normal", since the govt. supports you in getting one (to varying degrees), and anyone without one is not considered as employable. Never mind that I work in an advanced technical support role today, and any degree I might have taken way back then would be obsolete by now.
Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis earlier this year, after years of thinking I was going nuts with bizarrely annoying symptoms, is manageable by comparison. I'm still fully mobile and working, but it is not going to count in my favour next time I look for a job. (They're not supposed to discriminate on medical grounds, but what do you think?) 8-/
Anon
· 3 years ago
Life is not that bad for me at the moment.
While I'm not able to talk to my family and most of them that I grew up with and cared about are dead now. I am not currently depressed or sucididal. I have friends and a beloved. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I can talk to my beloved about anything and they care for me as well as me careing for them.
I have a job that allows me to pay the bills (after years of poverty and not believing I would ever get out of it) and to have some left over. I like my job and am hoping for a contract longer than 3/4 months.
This is a good life. This is much better than the past. I have hope for the future.
Pieter
· 3 years ago
Hi Robert, this is why I subscribe to your blog, not because you are, I mean, were, with Microsoft. But because to me you set an example of trying to be a very real person in a very technological and driven world. I really appreciate that.
Yes, we live in a fallen world with much hurt, and sometimes we don't see it, or are not confronted with it. But when we are, we hurt so much, because we realise it could have been, or may one day be, ourselves that stand to be in that place of "hell".
Thank you for your honesty. I am very blessed in my present situation, but I pray that your post and these comments will stir in my heart and in those of others the love this world so desperately needs. That we will really care and make an effort to have a practical compassion for people. As a Christian, I believe even the worst hell on earth is only temporary and limited to this life and that the best we can do is to live a life surrendered to the One who created us and to love our fellow humand beings exceedingly.
Oh, yes, in your "ex-boss" Bill we have an excellent example of this - trying to make a difference. What a priviledge.
Eric D. Burdo
· 3 years ago
First, I have to agree with met (comment #1). There are some things you can do something about. And some things you can't. There are many things that can be done for my situation.
My private hell? Paying back school loans on the income I make (less than 35 a year)... while trying to support my wife and 2 children. AND be in their lives. From what I have found, what I am making is good money for the area.
So, for now, we suffer through the insufficient income (think dark red (instead of "in the red/in the black"). Things are tight. And trying to buy a decent house is virtually impossible (by decent I mean 4 bedrooms with a 1 acre lot). Those run about 150k+. Can't afford it with my income.
What can folks do for me? Know anyone who wants a researcher in the hobby robotics area? The kicker? I need to work remotely. I don't want to leave the area.
Douglas Reilly
· 3 years ago
The interesting thing about folks who ask things like "How are you?" is that they generally really do not want to know. I recently had a call about a survey related to my health insurance (which is a big deal for me as I am battling cancer, and cancer had the upper hand the day she called).
She asked "How are you?" and I replied "Really feeling very badly today." Her response? "Glad to hear it." It took her a few moments to realize what I had actually said. I have had similar experiences when I am honest enough to say exactly how I am doing on those days when cancer or the treatment for the cancer is getting me down.
Yuvi
· 3 years ago
Does an annoying brother who keeps interrupting you while writing code count ? But I guess my stuff doesn't count, I'm after all just a small kid writing code....
You taught me a lot, and it's paying me off : I've been able to persuade my school Principal into reviving our School Magazine, and I've completed two interviews as Editor... .Thanks dude, and one day, I hope that podcasting and Videoblogging would really reach India....
Thanks dude, and do come down to India sometime.... There are plenty of opportunities for Vlogging and Podcasting here, driven out of reach only by the cost factor....
Paul B
· 3 years ago
Five years ago my father was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis, a terminal illness that effects the lungs. For that period I've slowly watched him dying, seeing him get weaker and weaker by the day. My personal hell was witnessing a mans demise, who has done so much for me and there was absolutely nothing I could do for his health.
About 2months ago we got a call from the Hospital saying that they had a lung donor. Less than 12hrs later a donor had given my father a 2nd chance at life. What a wonderful gift to give. Truly a miracle.
The experience inspired me to blog about the process, for the moment we got the call and every step along the way. Now Dad continues to blog now he's out of hospital.. go check it out.. it's an amazing read.
These sorts of moments in life just reiterate the fact you can't take a day for granted. Every second counts. It's not such a matter than you need to be successful, or you need to get that job, or you need to be better than the person sitting next to you.. it's about being content with the person you are. Being able to go to bed at night with a clear conscience that you're doing something with your life.
My parter at work, Pragnesh (an Indian), taught me something very special a few years ago.. he said this "In the Western world we tend to look at the people above and say 'Oh I wish I had what they have.'.. which tends to cut us down. In India we do the opposite, we look at the people below us and we thank God for everything we have". A great philosophy that has touched my life.
Now in the mornings I wake up and I say a few words to myself when I look in the mirror. You might have heard of them before, they're from the movie Coach Carter.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Sorry for the extremely long post Robert but you got me thinking! = )
Yuvi
· 3 years ago
Sorry. I didn't read all those comments.... Compared to what all those people had undergone, I'm in heaven. Just knowing about that makes me grateful... Sorry if I sounded insensitive.....
Pete Prodoehl
· 3 years ago
Well, I'm happy to report that I've got my health, now if I can just find full time employment, I can stop selling my bodily fluids and get back to work trying to improve the web and actually pay my bills... And so far, blogging has not helped me get a job, despite the fact I've been doing it since 1997...
Sterling (Chip) Camden
· 3 years ago
Yes, I gave Robert the benefit of the doubt in his wording -- but I used it as an opportunity to voice my love for my son in spite of his disorder -- maybe even amplified by it.
Jenn
· 3 years ago
My personal hell is uprooting our lives and coming here to the US (hubby was in MS back home and now he's here), but it's getting much better.
I'd come to the US only once before for our honeymoon in LA Oct of 2003.
While Seattle is very different from LA, and no matter how many times we exclaim, "Hey, that's exactly what we saw on TV back home!", nothing prepares you for things like loneliness, the worry of not belonging, the foreignness of people and places and systems and even things like groceries and driving. The culture shock can last months. It's still affecting me, while my kids have already adapted, as though they're born here, and my husband is too busy at his job to be affected by how far we are from anyone who really cares about us.
People in my country consider it very very lucky for us to even have made it this far. Truth is, I don't feel very lucky. Good thing is, the challenges posed by this move has made me a better mom and wife, and a person as a whole. And this is what adversities in life do - they build character.
Your friends will never take for granted the relief of a simple meal and a good night's sleep, or the response of a smile from their sick child ever again, just as I will never ever take for granted my parents, the people who love us back home, and the country we left behind, again.
For me, those are gift enough.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Jenn, too bad we didn't know you earlier. Maryam has a movie and book club which are great fun, she tells me (she won't let me attend). But, I can only imagine. My ex-boss moved to London and his wife had a tough time of it too.
nikkimarie
· 3 years ago
Really great post. Made me take a moment to really count my blessings... My private hell just started a week ago. My dad has just been diagnosed with really advanced cancer (not sure what kind it is yet, but the biopsy should come back tomorrow). It's spread so far that we know the average time left is about a month or so. It's really tough on my mom (not so much me, because im not that close to my dad). It really hurts to see her so upset about it. She's worrying about everything and having to raise me (I'm 15) without anyone there with her..
My feeling is, everything happens for a reason; Either someone will learn from it or the situation will turn into something good in the long run...
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Nikki, what a great attitude on life! One thing, be there as much as you can, even if you weren't close. It helped me deal with my mom's death. We weren't close either, but holding her hand DID matter in the end.
Robert Scoble
· 3 years ago
Oh, and interview your dad about EVERYTHING. Family history, stories, etc. Get it on tape for your own kids that you might have some day.
Cherie
· 3 years ago
I just read all these comments and appreciate my life as it is even more. Sometimes I get bummed out about things not going the way I'd like them to but overall I guess I have it pretty good.
I also can sympathize with everyone who has posted their private hell here. Everyone goes through tough times and no one wishes that on anyone else. I can't help with illness, death in the family or relationship issues, but maybe I can be of help with jobs? I know many of you know the company I work for already, and may or may not have a good opinion of us based on your experiences with employers hiring through our site.
But - I'd still like to suggest an RSS feed of the jobs you're looking for to keep up with new opportunities that could be right for you and better than the current job you're looking to get out of.
I have been here for a while, but what I remember about my last job search was that it was all about scouting out opportunites as soon as they came available (online & offline) and staying as positive as possible. I hope I can be of some help with that.
Robert, You never cease to amaze me. I feel really bad I didn’t circulate more and get to me some of those folks you mentioned. I’m better in small groups. These stories however are extremely touching. Nikki, wow for age 15, you seem to be very mature and strong as well. Very, very sorry you have to go through that at such an early age. At any age it is tough as Robert can attest. I lost a brother when I was 12 (he was 13) and it was difficult at the time. 37 years later, I just have happy thoughts now when I think about Dan, his smile & his happy personality. I also realize he is in no more pain and in a better place. It’s comments like what has been shared here that make me stop and feel appreciative for the health of myself and my family and also give me the desire to keep an eye out for the less unfortunate and lend a hand, whatever way I can. Thanks Robert for sharing what I’m sure most of us missed on Sunday.
Greg Hughes
· 3 years ago
My own private hell comes from a suicide and the fact that I can't seem to take relationship chances anymore. The result is a life alone most of the time, which I am used to but it does get lonely from time to time. I can only put blame on myself, but honestly it's hard to take chances that could possibly involve serious loss. It's a self-protection mechanism, I am sure.
I was lucky that I heard from a great old friend today, after a few years of not being in touch. He was one of the people who was at my side after my son died. He told me today that his wife fell victim to Lou Gehrig's disease in the intervening years and today she's immobile and communicates with a laser pointer in her mounth and a letter board. It sounds very, very difficult.
In the worst of times I do what I can to help others. Mostly it seems like just being there is what matters most. Like when you throw a party and ask someone how they are, and then listen caringly even if it's hard to hear. We do these things for others, regardless of whether the benefit is ever returned - because it's important and it's right.
Another thing people don't always realize is that after the painful event has passed, especially when it involves the death of a loved one for example, those who still deal with the pain of the loss after most have moved on actually benfit from the gift of being asked about the loved one. I know I often wish I had more opportunity to talk about my son. But people seem to think that bringing it up or talking about it will make things worse. That's not the case, though. Quite the opposite.
I recently started writing a blog post of my own called "Ask me about my son" to try to explain it - the need to talk, that is, even years later. I put it on the back burner and haven't posted it because it's so personal, but you've made me re-think that decision. I'll have to mull that one over. His birthday is in a week and it's been on my mind even more lately.
Anyhow, thanks for the place and opportunity to talk, Robert. You're a good man.
greg
Greg Hughes
· 3 years ago
I should add that I am grateful for what I have today. I'm healthy and have a great job and friends in my life that are terrific people.
Life can be hard, but while it's easy to focus on what hurts, it's also important to take inventory of what we do have. I know that for my part, life is full of good things. It's powerful what an attitude of gratitude (as they say) can do. :)
Amit Goyal
· 3 years ago
Sometimes I feel frustrated when things don't run perfectly in my surroundings. Sometimes I start expecting from others that they should do their work perfectly although I know nobody is perfect in this world. Oftenly I remind myself that we should see good things in others rather bad things. And such kind of posts help me a lot to have positive attitude towards life...
Garrett Fitzgerald
· 3 years ago
Robert, I didn't tell you about that to make you feel bad -- I told you for the same reason that you blogged about your mom. Friends want to know, right? Besides, I figured you might already know, and would need an update.
And I have two cute daughters, thank you very much -- it's just that the younger one would rather play outside than geek out with Patrick over Second Life.
As someone above said, you earned what you have. So did I. I just wish I weren't dragging my daughters down with me. But, because of another friend, we have a three-bedroom house to ourselves for a few months, instead of scraping by in a 2-bedroom apartment. And you gave me an opportunity to just forget about things for a couple of hours, which was really important at that point.
(BTW, I found the box that had my Firefly CDs in it -- when are you leaving? :-) )
Garrett Fitzgerald
· 3 years ago
s/CD/DVD
Michelle
· 3 years ago
I stumbled upon your blog today as I was checking out the front page of WordPress. I referenced it in my blog this morning. Hope that's okay! Very insightful. Thank you!
Garrett: let me know if I can help your family. You've been good friends to me. Thanks for sharing. You reminded me that not everything is hunky dory around me and to pay attention more to what really is going on.
Jack
· 3 years ago
Thank you for the reference Stephanie from AI list.
Great thought starter as I was sitting here this am thinking "oh poor me"----then I read the comments and started to count smy blessings- ("count your many blessings name them one by one and it will surprise what the Lord has done"-from a hymn I used to sing).
So while I am in my own percieved hell- out of a job for the first time in over 35 yrs- worrying about what to do next, h2 pay the bills (house, medical, Rx ect). My self esteeem is / was way too tied up with my job- what I do.. and yet these are all external----and now who am I.
You're right--not such a 'hell'. but everyones hell, is their hell and to each feels like a very bad place. Yet the reminders in this blog helped me for a minute to reflect on blessings, not feel so alone, AND feel like I have much more to be greatful for when I hear others' "hell"(s). Thanks for the perspective. Great blog and a great opportunity to keep remembering what AI (appreicative inquiry)postulates- we cannot creatively solve today's problems with the old gap analysis thinking--we must use positives-what we do, do well to help us create what we want. I hope I am listening to myself! Thank you to all who shared. Jack
All Comments
There are two kinds of problems, the kind that you can do something about or the kind that you can do nothing about.
In some cases the problems can't be classified as one or the other.
Like my no job situation, if I don't have one within a year, I can still find one. But that it might be a scar on my resume, I can't do much.
Or if my dog died. I couldn't do anything to get it back. But I could move on (maybe in a long time).
I know a rational answer is probably a cruel one to give to someone at a time of grief. But it has alway given me a little bit of peace, hope it does help someone.
I have been reading yur comments on evangelism on mini and I totally agree that you both need someone to "hype" your products and INNOVTATIVE products. This is something that MS seems to have forgotten about.
In the rush for "Redmond-Isolationism" they have moved beyond true SW development and towards a "large-business" model. This is inappropriate because it only takes to many people to develp SW.
Evangelism and customer-centricity sells more SW than sales people. These imply DEMONSTRATION and not lip-service.
This maybe off topic as I don't think my private hell(s) are suitable for general consumption, but at any rate, if you ever want a low paying job with great hours, send me an email.
Happy 4th you and yours, Robert ..and to all the readers here too :)-
I just finished reading "Chasing Daylight" by Eugene O'Kelly and really found it moving and introspective. Funnily enough, I decided to write a post about it on Canada Day on my blog (http://pxltd.typepad.com).
It is both sad and wonderful to be able to be effected by those around us who so much make up our world. We often never know what sort of Private Hell those of us that we work with are going through as that is why often it is their Private Hell.
Today is an amazing Day for us at Project X as we are one year old, but I spent the weekend with friends who are going through their own issues and it never fails to put life in perspective.
Now that is my personal hell which I can't make go away until someone comes up with a cure for this mystarious disease, which doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon.
Dude, I rag on you, but you've earned the life you have. You weren't handed it. You aren't like Paris Hilton, and the random recipient of rich genetic matter. You worked for it. Yes, it is really messed up about that one person, but that doesn't make you a bad person for your life. In fact, you may be in a better position now to perhaps help them in some way, *because* of your hard work. Doesn't have to be a check. Maybe you know someone who's hiring and he'd be a good fit, or his wife would be a good fit. We all know people, you more than most.
When I worked at MIT for the cops, I had a chance to get into central IS. It was a *big* raise, at a time when, thanks to 9/11 and a crooked boss, I'd had to take a 20K pay hit just to get food on the table. Plastic maxed to make ends meet, all of it. The only reason I had that job was because someone who knew me hooked me up. I had a friend in a similar situation, but for whom the salary at the MIT cops was in fact, a huge raise. So I talked to the chief and said, "Look, I've been showing him how stuff works here, and he's a smart guy. You can post the job and delay having someone in full time for months, or you can bend the rules, and a week after I'm gone, he'll be up to speed and rockin'."
The cheif thought a minute, and said "If he's not that good, i'm kicking your ass". My reply, "I hope you ain't pencilin' that in, because you're going to have to miss that appointment". Six years later, he's still there, and everyone's happy.
There's all kinds of things you can do that help out people you know in real, concrete ways. Not just the silly crap like writing checks to charity, but doing your best to make sure the people around you can keep their lives in order a little easier when they're having a tough time of it. You won't get a tax break, or public thank yous at work. But if we all did this, then a lot of charities would be out of a job, and that would actually be a good thing.
You'd be amazed that some of the people you believe in a private hell feel blessed. The son with down's syndrome was blessed to have parents who can support him. The parents may even feel blessed that they had this child as opposed to others without their resources.
My little sister is developmentally disabled (deaf, cebral palsey, and mental impairment). At birth the doc's said she would need to be placed in what they described as a 'home.' My parents were not wealthy but they had sufficient resources to keep trying and a find a way to help her lead as normal a life as humanly possible. My guess is my folks feel blessed to have had the chance to help her, now age 42, grow to be able to work, drive her own car, and be on the verge of marriage (the last one being the most stressfull for them).
Sure there were struggles but with a lot of prayers, family and friends we made it through. I have read the same of other families who felt blessed that they had the resources and patience to raise a challenged child. I also feel blessed that because of helping her, I am more empathetic towards others struggles and keep my own in persepctive.
Small stuggles such as not being able to own a home while working and living in expensive metro's are trivial compared to others. Count your blessings as opposed to listing your hells.
Kevin, that is a great way to look at life. I've been unemployed too and remember every day counting my blessings too and keeping a good outlook. That paid off very well.
What's ironic is Maryam didn't even know this story until she read it on my blog. We're wondering now what we can do for this family.
When you've got your own private hells, you kinda have to learn to rely on yourself and your closest, if you have any.
And why do I care? Cause it's very possible that one day I'll be homeless, or have a strange disease, or worse.
It's then that I hope someone will be there to hold my hand. Or, even, invite me to a party so I can escape my own little private hell for a few hours.
1) A bit of respite from it all. Not a "get out of jail free card" necessarily, but just a few moments of not having to care. It doesn't have to be big either. Maybe just a day out where they can do what they want and not have to care about budget. When you're in a jam, a movie is a major budget consideration and popcorn is not always a given. A day where you can just have a day away from the problem means more than you'd believe.
2) A way to dig yourself out. In every tight spot i've been in, the frustrating part was when I knew of an opportunity that would have really helped, but for some reason, I couldn't take advantage of it, so I was left on the treadmill. A chance to get into a gig where you can fix the problem yourself does two things: first, it lets you fix the problem, second, it reminds you that you are able to handle life. Feeling helpless is the worst part of being in a bad spot.
I promised her and I'm on my way. It was tough but hey, i promised her. I only visited my family 5 times (i'm 350 kms away) and i was hard. but i survived that part and i will go on. For me. For my mother. And because i survived hell. This give me the strength i need.
I guess I can really say that even though there are things that aren't "going right" in my life, in no way are they hell. It's not only about appreciating this (I've always felt blessed for what and who I have), but I really should be giving more back to those who are down and out. More, and more often.
My personal "hells" seem silly in light of others.
Wish you all the best.
Kevin – Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Robert – Thank you for writing something that allowed me to share these meaningful experiences from other people’s lives.
Offline – Sorry to hear about your Mother
Susan – Sorry to hear about your divorce pain and your sick friend.
I used to live in NYC and while I did not lose anyone directly on September 11th, 2001, I do have friends that were at ground zero at the time it all took place. It’s difficult to put into words exactly, but none of them are the same people today that they once were. I think the events of that day have affected us all in many ways we never could have imagined.
My one struggle at the moment revolves around my attempts to career transition to a search engine (I have preferences privately) or related startups. I’ve networked with some of the most amazing people at conferences and Techcrunch parties I’ve attended and have been reading and learning non-stop! I have the energy I had when I worked at an exponential growth company called BlackRock and am restless waiting for it to be put to good use. However, getting people to understand my unique competencies has been a larger challenge than I first envisioned. Additionally, people are insanely busy these days. Sometimes getting in touch with people can take weeks. I would welcome networking in this regard - during which I would hope you would share things you might need help with as well.
Please have a happy and safe 4th of July!
Why?
Because twenty years of experience in almost every environment doesn't make it through the HR screen. No degree, delete.
Microsoft, Apple, they're all the same. And as I push 40 hard, this becomes even more of an issue for obvious reasons.
How many people who could do a job really well, and have the knowlege and experience are turned away because they don't have a degree, or (certification). The industry bitches about paper MCSEs, or CNEs, but they don't get that they're creating them. When you tell HR to ignore resumes that don't have a proper tickmark on them, you tell people that experience doesn't count, only the tickmarks.
There've been times when I could have relocated easily that I didn't even bother to apply for a job, because I knew that I'd never make it past an HR filter.
How many companies have lost out on good people because they allowed HR, and not the actual group, to be the initial filter?
I'm not saying a degree has no value. That would be ridiculous. But it can't be a pass/fail situation. That turns it from something of value to a commodity.
and I'm SERIOUSLY considering saying "Screw it" and just writing a check to a degree mill. Because that's about how much it means to me anymore. Just a tickmark on the resume.
Thanks for that kind reminder Robert.
Ditto Scoble.
I burned out of college (Full time work + Full time Marriage + Full time college = BURNOUT) 15 years ago yet now I make more than most of my peers.
The places that filter resumes mindlessly often (not always) operate mindlessly. The places that see past the paper to the person are often the prized places to work.
Thank you.
Also, I'll find an organization I can contribute my time and skills to again; that's something I've gotten out of the habit of doing for a year, and it's time I offered something in addition to just my money.
Thanks for your post.
One thing it taught me was to seek what you need not what you want, be thankful for today and to accept inevitability in life. We will all die. Be prepared and be thank full for that what you have had. The good times. The precious moments. The parents with the down syndrom son must have had 21 amazing years with a precious human. You have no reason to feel sorry for them.
Many people in life give to charity not to help others but to eliminate their own pain of seeing others less fortunate than themselves ;-)
For the past 2 years, I've devoted my nights and weekends to a project that I've failed to set up at the ideal company because they're afraid of hearing outside ideas. We haven't even gotten to the NDA, and it's been a year of back and forth. So I've given up on the project. Now I find myself in my mid-30's, starting from scratch.
Sometimes, Robert, life takes an interesting turn, and you look back and ask "how did I get here?" I, too, have friends who have been incredibly successful. But there's such a fine line between "making it" and not. And the sequence of events leading to one or the other are rarely driven by logic nor are even subject to rational explanation.
while you are looking for better options (and I hope you are actively looking), read the book "Winning through intimidation"
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0449207862/002....
It will give you a different perspective in life or at least a good laugh.
Looking for a job or a better job IS your full time job and if you “plan your work, and work your plan”, you will get what you want. (At the very least, hang out at more blogs and let people know you are looking.)
No job, low paying job, bad boss are, while hells, are hells addressable.
It is when someone who you love deeply gets incurably ill and/or dies, it is then I think real hell, and nothing can help. Realizing that nothing you can do to save your dear person and seeing her/him suffer is certainly close to hell. Only love you can give and hold your tears to let them go with peace. Then, later … living without that person … Time does not heal, time only treats, and there is a big difference between the two.
Give unconditional love while you can, every day let your loved ones, your parents know that you love them no matter what. If you do not have someone you love, consider a random act of good. There will be less hell in life.
I am currently going through separation, after nearly a decade and half of a marriage. I made a big career switch just last year after sweating it out in high stress jobs. And early this year, a series of unrelated medical woes and complications just avalanched into a current disability (that prevents me from being at the job) that is requiring a pretty major surgery and recovery may take more than 3-6 months.
I am an immigrant and do not have any immediate family living this side of the continent.
And just in the past three years, my little kid was suspected with tumors in the kidney and is in the clear now. Both my mom and dad survived some major health downturns and are at best coping now; my brother and wife are grieving from having lost their first born twin babies and my sister went thru a divorce(and since, happily remarried).
But still there are things to thank for...I have a wonderful child who makes me want to wake up and be there everyday. I still have a job and in my decade long career, for the first time I feel I work for a company that truly cares and has been very supportive of me.
And I am thankful for the mercy of a few good friends and a tight knit family that is supportive, a phone call away.
And most of all I thank my "nerdy tech" background. Reading books saves my soul. Technology provides me companionship to beat the emotional solitude. It makes me want to learn and build something new everyday, think about stuff, read blogs that matter - even from the confines of a sick bed.
I strangely feel better, despite feeling awkward about whining personal stuff on a public blog. Thank you for asking and thank you for listening. Happy July 4th.
I now live in Ireland, surrounded by Europeans who consider a university degree "normal", since the govt. supports you in getting one (to varying degrees), and anyone without one is not considered as employable. Never mind that I work in an advanced technical support role today, and any degree I might have taken way back then would be obsolete by now.
Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis earlier this year, after years of thinking I was going nuts with bizarrely annoying symptoms, is manageable by comparison. I'm still fully mobile and working, but it is not going to count in my favour next time I look for a job. (They're not supposed to discriminate on medical grounds, but what do you think?) 8-/
While I'm not able to talk to my family and most of them that I grew up with and cared about are dead now.
I am not currently depressed or sucididal. I have friends and a beloved. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I can talk to my beloved about anything and they care for me as well as me careing for them.
I have a job that allows me to pay the bills (after years of poverty and not believing I would ever get out of it) and to have some left over. I like my job and am hoping for a contract longer than 3/4 months.
This is a good life. This is much better than the past. I have hope for the future.
Yes, we live in a fallen world with much hurt, and sometimes we don't see it, or are not confronted with it. But when we are, we hurt so much, because we realise it could have been, or may one day be, ourselves that stand to be in that place of "hell".
Thank you for your honesty. I am very blessed in my present situation, but I pray that your post and these comments will stir in my heart and in those of others the love this world so desperately needs. That we will really care and make an effort to have a practical compassion for people. As a Christian, I believe even the worst hell on earth is only temporary and limited to this life and that the best we can do is to live a life surrendered to the One who created us and to love our fellow humand beings exceedingly.
Oh, yes, in your "ex-boss" Bill we have an excellent example of this - trying to make a difference. What a priviledge.
My private hell? Paying back school loans on the income I make (less than 35 a year)... while trying to support my wife and 2 children. AND be in their lives. From what I have found, what I am making is good money for the area.
So, for now, we suffer through the insufficient income (think dark red (instead of "in the red/in the black"). Things are tight. And trying to buy a decent house is virtually impossible (by decent I mean 4 bedrooms with a 1 acre lot). Those run about 150k+. Can't afford it with my income.
What can folks do for me? Know anyone who wants a researcher in the hobby robotics area? The kicker? I need to work remotely. I don't want to leave the area.
She asked "How are you?" and I replied "Really feeling very badly today." Her response? "Glad to hear it." It took her a few moments to realize what I had actually said. I have had similar experiences when I am honest enough to say exactly how I am doing on those days when cancer or the treatment for the cancer is getting me down.
You taught me a lot, and it's paying me off : I've been able to persuade my school Principal into reviving our School Magazine, and I've completed two interviews as Editor... .Thanks dude, and one day, I hope that podcasting and Videoblogging would really reach India....
Thanks dude, and do come down to India sometime.... There are plenty of opportunities for Vlogging and Podcasting here, driven out of reach only by the cost factor....
About 2months ago we got a call from the Hospital saying that they had a lung donor. Less than 12hrs later a donor had given my father a 2nd chance at life. What a wonderful gift to give. Truly a miracle.
The experience inspired me to blog about the process, for the moment we got the call and every step along the way. Now Dad continues to blog now he's out of hospital.. go check it out.. it's an amazing read.
http://benbrian.blogspot.com
These sorts of moments in life just reiterate the fact you can't take a day for granted. Every second counts. It's not such a matter than you need to be successful, or you need to get that job, or you need to be better than the person sitting next to you.. it's about being content with the person you are. Being able to go to bed at night with a clear conscience that you're doing something with your life.
My parter at work, Pragnesh (an Indian), taught me something very special a few years ago.. he said this "In the Western world we tend to look at the people above and say 'Oh I wish I had what they have.'.. which tends to cut us down. In India we do the opposite, we look at the people below us and we thank God for everything we have". A great philosophy that has touched my life.
Now in the mornings I wake up and I say a few words to myself when I look in the mirror. You might have heard of them before, they're from the movie Coach Carter.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Sorry for the extremely long post Robert but you got me thinking! = )
I'd come to the US only once before for our honeymoon in LA Oct of 2003.
While Seattle is very different from LA, and no matter how many times we exclaim, "Hey, that's exactly what we saw on TV back home!", nothing prepares you for things like loneliness, the worry of not belonging, the foreignness of people and places and systems and even things like groceries and driving. The culture shock can last months. It's still affecting me, while my kids have already adapted, as though they're born here, and my husband is too busy at his job to be affected by how far we are from anyone who really cares about us.
People in my country consider it very very lucky for us to even have made it this far. Truth is, I don't feel very lucky. Good thing is, the challenges posed by this move has made me a better mom and wife, and a person as a whole. And this is what adversities in life do - they build character.
Your friends will never take for granted the relief of a simple meal and a good night's sleep, or the response of a smile from their sick child ever again, just as I will never ever take for granted my parents, the people who love us back home, and the country we left behind, again.
For me, those are gift enough.
My private hell just started a week ago. My dad has just been diagnosed with really advanced cancer (not sure what kind it is yet, but the biopsy should come back tomorrow). It's spread so far that we know the average time left is about a month or so. It's really tough on my mom (not so much me, because im not that close to my dad). It really hurts to see her so upset about it. She's worrying about everything and having to raise me (I'm 15) without anyone there with her..
My feeling is, everything happens for a reason; Either someone will learn from it or the situation will turn into something good in the long run...
I also can sympathize with everyone who has posted their private hell here. Everyone goes through tough times and no one wishes that on anyone else. I can't help with illness, death in the family or relationship issues, but maybe I can be of help with jobs? I know many of you know the company I work for already, and may or may not have a good opinion of us based on your experiences with employers hiring through our site.
But - I'd still like to suggest an RSS feed of the jobs you're looking for to keep up with new opportunities that could be right for you and better than the current job you're looking to get out of.
I have been here for a while, but what I remember about my last job search was that it was all about scouting out opportunites as soon as they came available (online & offline) and staying as positive as possible. I hope I can be of some help with that.
http://rtq.careerbuilder.com/rss.asp
thanks
I was lucky that I heard from a great old friend today, after a few years of not being in touch. He was one of the people who was at my side after my son died. He told me today that his wife fell victim to Lou Gehrig's disease in the intervening years and today she's immobile and communicates with a laser pointer in her mounth and a letter board. It sounds very, very difficult.
In the worst of times I do what I can to help others. Mostly it seems like just being there is what matters most. Like when you throw a party and ask someone how they are, and then listen caringly even if it's hard to hear. We do these things for others, regardless of whether the benefit is ever returned - because it's important and it's right.
Another thing people don't always realize is that after the painful event has passed, especially when it involves the death of a loved one for example, those who still deal with the pain of the loss after most have moved on actually benfit from the gift of being asked about the loved one. I know I often wish I had more opportunity to talk about my son. But people seem to think that bringing it up or talking about it will make things worse. That's not the case, though. Quite the opposite.
I recently started writing a blog post of my own called "Ask me about my son" to try to explain it - the need to talk, that is, even years later. I put it on the back burner and haven't posted it because it's so personal, but you've made me re-think that decision. I'll have to mull that one over. His birthday is in a week and it's been on my mind even more lately.
Anyhow, thanks for the place and opportunity to talk, Robert. You're a good man.
greg
Life can be hard, but while it's easy to focus on what hurts, it's also important to take inventory of what we do have. I know that for my part, life is full of good things. It's powerful what an attitude of gratitude (as they say) can do. :)
And I have two cute daughters, thank you very much -- it's just that the younger one would rather play outside than geek out with Patrick over Second Life.
As someone above said, you earned what you have. So did I. I just wish I weren't dragging my daughters down with me. But, because of another friend, we have a three-bedroom house to ourselves for a few months, instead of scraping by in a 2-bedroom apartment. And you gave me an opportunity to just forget about things for a couple of hours, which was really important at that point.
(BTW, I found the box that had my Firefly CDs in it -- when are you leaving? :-) )
http://www.reginarescuemission.org/blog/2006/07...
Great thought starter as I was sitting here this am thinking "oh poor me"----then I read the comments and started to count smy blessings- ("count your many blessings name them one by one and it will surprise what the Lord has done"-from a hymn I used to sing).
So while I am in my own percieved hell- out of a job for the first time in over 35 yrs- worrying about what to do next, h2 pay the bills (house, medical, Rx ect). My self esteeem is / was way too tied up with my job- what I do.. and yet these are all external----and now who am I.
You're right--not such a 'hell'. but everyones hell, is their hell and to each feels like a very bad place. Yet the reminders in this blog helped me for a minute to reflect on blessings, not feel so alone, AND feel like I have much more to be greatful for when I hear others' "hell"(s). Thanks for the perspective. Great blog and a great opportunity to keep remembering what AI (appreicative inquiry)postulates- we cannot creatively solve today's problems with the old gap analysis thinking--we must use positives-what we do, do well to help us create what we want. I hope I am listening to myself!
Thank you to all who shared.
Jack